My Choice

I want to talk about abortion. I want to talk about my abortion.

I don’t want this blog to turn into a pro choice versus anti abortion discussion. I merely want to share my experience about a very personal and difficult time in my life.  Everyone has their own opinions and everyone will have some form of judgement when they read this. The fact is, that is your opinion and your judgement. Not mine.

So, here goes. When I was 21 I fell pregnant. It was an accident, I didn’t plan it and I was scared. I was at university, I had just met this man and I was petrified. I was scared not just for the 21 year old girl with stars in her eyes, I was also scared about how I would be treated when I admitted to myself I didn’t want a baby.

As a woman in today’s society you are still bought up to believe your whole life is designed for child rearing and the white picket fence. To be honest, this romantic idea was the first thing that came to my mind when I confirmed I was pregnant.  The reality was, I wasn’t ready for a baby either emotionally, financially, spiritually or mentally. I immediately went from joy to despair and I didn’t really know what I was joyful about or miserable about.

The procedure itself was horrible. Only so much compassion can be provided by the health workers and it doesn’t overcome the feelings of guilt and disgust that I had about myself. I can only say there is no right or wrong in this. It was my body, my decision and my feelings.  I did carry the guilt for a long time, but I also didn’t know why I was guilty. Was I guilty for giving myself a chance at life to be better for the child I would eventually have? Was I feeling guilty for going against societies ideas of what I should be as a woman? It was hard to say.

What I can say is this. Unless you are in the situation I was in, you cannot say. You cannot understand the feelings I went through and you cannot understand the relief, despair, regret, joy and finally, acceptance I had.

For those who have been or are going to be in this situation, trust yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself. Take care of you.

If you want to share, please do. If not, I am sending my thoughts to you.

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